My original paragraph was, "One major reason some people oppose GMOs is that they believe that GMOs are detrimental to the environment. Their major concern is that cross pollination and interbreeding between GMOs and natural organisms will lead to the natural organisms being bred out of existence due to the optimized nature of the GMOs. An example of this can be seen with genetically modified salmon. A Massachusetts company called AquaBounty Technologies has been developing a type of genetically modified salmon for 20 years. These salmon have been genetically modified to grow twice as fast as regular salmon; this has caused some scientists to say that if these fish escape their growing facilities, they could out compete non-modified salmon due to their increased size and increased appetites."
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My revised paragraph is,"One major reason some people oppose GMOs is that they believe that GMOs are detrimental to the environment. They fear that GMOs will crossbreed with natural organisms and eventually breed the natural organisms out of existence because of the ideal traits the GMOs possess. An example of this can be seen with genetically modified salmon. A Massachusetts company called AquaBounty Technologies has been developing a type of genetically modified salmon for 20 years. Some scientists are saying that these salmon, which have been genetically engineered to grow twice as fast as normal salmon, could out-compete the non-modified salmon and completely change the eco-systems of the ocean. "
My revised paragraph is better than my original paragraph because it uses more active voice and less passive voice than my original paragraph did. I also rearranged several sentences to have them parallel the topic sentence of the paragraph, which is about the environmental harm that GMOs could cause. This makes the meaning of the paragraph clearer by focusing the sentences on the topic of the paragraph, which cuts out unnecessary points, and by cutting out extra words that obscure what is trying to be said.
My revised paragraph is better than my original paragraph because it uses more active voice and less passive voice than my original paragraph did. I also rearranged several sentences to have them parallel the topic sentence of the paragraph, which is about the environmental harm that GMOs could cause. This makes the meaning of the paragraph clearer by focusing the sentences on the topic of the paragraph, which cuts out unnecessary points, and by cutting out extra words that obscure what is trying to be said.
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